if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
