I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
