did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
