What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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