I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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