She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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