So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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