Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
