All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize