I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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