i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
