Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
