He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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