just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
