I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
