I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
