Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
