piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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