I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
