just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there was a trapeze. enough said
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Randomize
