I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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