apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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