Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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