Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
