I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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