Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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