I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
