cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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