Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
