Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I AM VODKA MAN
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
