Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I stole a fireplace last night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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