I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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