I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
