I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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