the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize