my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
