i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
