I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
COCAINE IS GR8
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
