Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
