Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Randomize
