u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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