One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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