Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
