Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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