I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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