He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
