I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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