im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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