I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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