I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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