I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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