Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
