the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
