Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
