420 ftw
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
