We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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