dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize