I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
