i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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