I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sorry my hands just texted you
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
