you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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