god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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