These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
